What we call ‘peacemaking’ often isn’t. Whether examining our own behavior or observing others labeled as peacemakers, what looks like building peace might actually be conflict avoidance in disguise.

Many self-proclaimed peacemakers – and those we admire as peacemakers – are actually conflict avoiders. They’re not building bridges of connection and understanding; they’re simply trying not to make waves. And most don’t realize it.

What’s really happening? They’ve been triggered. The supposed peacemaker is uncomfortable with conflict. They haven’t learned how to regulate their nervous system and handle the feelings that are stirred up. Building bridges isn’t something most of us are taught. Instead, we learn to stifle our feelings, smooth over conflict, and “get on with it.” “Let bygones be bygones.”

While we may tend toward being either peacemakers or conflict avoiders, these aren’t fixed roles. A natural peacemaker might avoid conflict in certain situations, while a typical conflict avoider might rise to become a bridge-builder when it matters most. It’s about awareness and choice, not fixed personality traits.

To be clear, forgiveness is an important and powerful factor in our lives (but that’s a subject for another time). 

Sometimes, staying out of conflict is indeed the best choice (“Not my circus, not my monkeys”). But there are times when it’s appropriate, desirable, or even our responsibility to build bridges of understanding and help resolve conflict.

Denying the feelings or perspective of someone who is hurt, angry, or afraid (often both sides in a situation) can be destructive to the person, the situation, and even to your relationship with one or both parties. In fact, conflict avoiders may unconsciously gaslight others – dismissing or minimizing their feelings and experiences in an attempt to maintain surface peace.

Key Questions to Consider:

  1. Should you be involved? What’s your true role in this conflict?
  2. What are your triggers and transference in this situation?
  3. How can you help others see different perspectives constructively?

It may be challenging to acknowledge that we don’t like when people make waves, or to recognize that people we thought of as “nice guys, just trying to keep the peace” may actually be conflict avoiders, uncomfortable with conflict and simply trying to make it disappear – even suppress it.

Take a moment to reflect: 
Are you building bridges or avoiding waves? 
How do you typically respond when waves start forming? 
Your awareness is the first step to authentic peacemaking.

Then consider those you see as peacemakers, the ‘good guys.’ Ask those same questions about their responses to conflict.

Remember to explore these questions with discernment and understanding, not judgment. This awareness can transform how we handle conflict – both in ourselves and how we support others.